By Geraldine Naidoo
Women are natural caretakers. Most are also problem-solvers, and “go-to” persons for those around them, but beneath this outward helpfulness many women struggle with “people-pleasing” behaviour—i.e. a deep need to make others happy, even at the cost of their own well-being.
While everyone loves an easy-going character, this behaviour can become particularly problematic for the “people-pleaser” during the stressful times of perimenopause and menopause.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing refers to a pattern of behaviour where a person always prioritises others’ needs and feelings above their own.
While being kind and considerate is a positive trait, people-pleasing goes beyond that. It involves a strong fear of disappointing or upsetting others, leading to self-sacrifice and neglect of one’s own needs.
Common signs of people-pleasing include:
– Saying “yes” to everything asked of you, even when overwhelmed.
– Constantly seeking approval or validation from others.
– Feeling guilty when putting personal needs first.
– Avoiding conflict at all costs.
Connection to childhood programming
Many people-pleasing behaviours can be traced back to childhood experiences.
Parents/caregivers, and the home environment, are meant to be the source of a child’s safety and stability in this world.
Some children grow up in homes where love or approval is conditional—i.e. they are only shown love and approval when they are “good”, or do what is expected. These children often develop people-pleasing behaviours as a strategy for best survival.
They learn that keeping the peace, making others happy, or avoiding conflict is a way to feel safe and accepted. And safety and acceptance is everything to a child.
For example—Neglect or emotional unavailability: Children who had emotionally unavailable parents may grow up believing they have to work hard to gain love and attention.
Criticism or perfectionism: Kids raised in overly critical environments may adopt people-pleasing habits to avoid judgement, and earn approval.
Abuse or unstable environments: Those who experienced abuse or chaotic home lives may have learned to be “good” to avoid harm. Living with imminent threat or danger means constantly striving to avoid conflict or upset at all costs, including giving up their sense of authenticity, and their voice.
As adults, these survival strategies can persist long after the threat or instability has gone, leading to deep-rooted patterns of people-pleasing that impact personal and professional relationships.
Why people-pleasing becomes a problem during menopause:
Perimenopause and menopause can be significantly disruptive life transitions, marked by hormonal fluctuations, emotional changes, and increased stress. For many women, this is a time of life when they are juggling multiple responsibilities, while also dealing with the changing landscape of their physical and mental well-being.
For those who have a history of people-pleasing, this phase of life can be particularly challenging as they easily run out of bandwidth and find themselves flailing:
Increased stress and overwhelm
Fluctuating hormonal levels bring mood swings, irritability, and fatigue. Women already feel the weight of these physical changes, but people-pleasers pile on extra emotional stress. They struggle to say “no” to others’ demands, even when they’re exhausted or overwhelmed. This only worsens the mental and physical toll of menopause.
Difficulty prioritising self-care
To help manage symptoms like insomnia, anxiety, and hot flashes, self-care is a must! However, people-pleasers find it hard to put themselves first. The deep-seated belief that they must always and only care for others, makes it seem selfish to set aside time for them to rest or seek the support they need.
Emotional triggers
Changing hormones alters mood, and can heighten sensitivity to criticism or rejection. People-pleasers, who are already prone to feeling inadequate or anxious about disappointing others, often find themselves even more anxious or stressed if they perceive they are not meeting others’ expectations. This can lead to increased irritability, frustration, and burnout.
Loss of identity and resentment
During menopause, many women feel a sense of loss: Loss of youth, children leaving home, changing careers, relationships shifting, ageing parents may require more care, and many lose their parents. For people-pleasers, whose sense of worth is derived from being useful to others, this can lead to a crisis of identity. They may feel unappreciated or invisible, even though they’ve spent years putting others first. Over time, this can breed sadness and resentment, further contributing to emotional distress.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is possible, but it requires active steps to change it:
Acknowledge and understand the root
Acknowledging that people-pleasing behaviours are often rooted in childhood experiences is a great first step towards change. Understanding that these behaviours were once survival mechanisms, but are no longer necessary, can help women start to reframe their mindset.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are not selfish—they are necessary for well-being. Learning to set clear, healthy boundaries is key. Women can learn to say “no” without guilt, and focus on prioritising their own needs, especially when dealing with the added challenges of menopause.
Prioritise self-care
Self-care is more than relaxation; it’s about intentionally maintaining physical and mental health. This could mean seeking professional help, such as therapy or counselling, to work through deeply ingrained behaviours. It could also mean incorporating relaxation techniques, such as meditation, exercise, or hobbies, that help manage stress and promote hormonal balance.
Practice self-compassion
People-pleasers are often their own harshest critics. Learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you offer others can be a powerful way to combat feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
Reach out for support
Menopause is a time of natural transition. The word itself invites women to “pause”. Reaching out to friends, family, or support groups can provide emotional validation and reduce the feelings of isolation or pressure to please everyone.
By understanding the connection between past experiences and present behaviours, women can begin to break the cycle of people-pleasing and prioritise their well-being during this critical time of life. It is possible to navigate menopause with greater peace, balance, and self-compassion.
For support www.drgeraldine.com
October is Menopause Awareness Month
Source: Khaleej Times
